i need a therapist

today a dear friend of mine got to adopt her precious daughter. a little girl whose biological parents are tragically unable and unequipped to care for her. a little girl who spent 1,156 days in foster care. a little girl who deserved permanence long before it happened and who now, finally, has the family she deserves.

and i am happy. so unbelievably filled with joy and gladness that this day has finally arrived. but i am shocked to find that i am also angry. and bitter. earlier today i was blindsided by these overwhelmingly strong emotions that i was not prepared to feel. that i don't know what to do with.

i am angry, not that she has finally achieved a forever home, but that the children in our care (children who have been waiting 1,180+ days) are no where near permanency of any kind. i am bitter, not that the court has granted her a forever home, but that another court has watched the children in our care pass through 5 homes and remains unwilling to act. mostly i am saddened, as i see the healing that is taking place in her life, that these children i love and care for may never experience that healing... and that even if they get a chance to, by the time it happens it may be too late to reverse the damage.

these are ugly feelings. jealous feelings. i hate myself for having them... and yet here they are. this is a new part of this foster care journey for me. one of the ugly, unexpected parts that no one prepares you for. i need a therapist, but i have to remind myself that i have someone better. wiser. someone who is totally in control. i am choosing to believe today in a god who is bigger than the court's decisions. a god who is bigger than the ongoing trauma these kids experience. a god who offers grace and forgiveness... which my own heart desperately needs. and, most importantly, a god who is in the business of redemption, as evidenced by the beautiful events of today.

so in short.. despite my own issues... despite the broken world we live in... today is a reminder that there is hope.

parenting

we are over a month into this new life, and already it feels longer than our last placement.

odd, because she was with us twice as long as they have been so far. i think in many ways this feels longer because it is more permanent. there is no set end-date like there always was with our teen. also, it is hard to over-stress the differences in parenting a teen vs a toddler (i know, obvious!) but the toddlers have simply taken over our lives and integrated into every facet of it in a way the teen never wanted to. this is both harder and easier.

harder, because their needs (and our desire to do what's best for them) have caused a total upheaval in our routines. our daily life now looks completely different then it did before. we've given up some things, gained others, and all with very little notice or preparation.

easier, because in many ways we feel so much more like a family. to be brutally honest the acceptance and reaction of the people around our life has made all the difference here. i guess it's not surprising that people find it easier to interact with and enjoy a three year old than a thirteen year old, but we have had so much more support, encouragement, and involvement with these kids in four weeks than we did with her in the entire eight+. people want to meet them, get to know them, are excited about them.

for the most part people either ignored our teen or expressed how sorry they were for us when she was out of earshot. this makes me sad, but i understand. small children are cute, and people expect a couple our age to have tiny ones show up (even if ours weren't quite as tiny when they arrived as most). teens are rather difficult, some moments more than others, and the people that make up the extended network of our life just didn't know how to handle having one suddenly show up as part of our family. it was a good learning lesson for us on the importance of making kids in foster care feel at home in every environment, and helped us understand our world and the people we interact with a little better.

being a foster parent

Sometimes foster parenting is the look of joy on a little boy's face when he realizes that you actually came back for him like you said you would.

Other times it is looking a little girl in the eye after she fiercely declares "i don't want you!" and saying "well i want you" and getting surprised by her sudden hug.

But mostly right now it is hearing a two year old scream for mommy, knowing this time she means you, and knowing that being mommy means instead of rushing in to comfort her, you sit outside her door in the dark and quietly cry with her.

we have this conversation at least once a day

me: oh look, what is this one?
her: a cow!
me: this one's pink, it's a pig.
me: what do pigs say?
her: moo!

a new adventure

our little family is doubling in size. maybe today, maybe tomorrow, we're not sure of the timing yet but i'm excited, and terrified! somewhere in town are a two year old girl and three year old boy who will be joining our family for an indefinite period of time.

we don't know their names, or what they look like, and i can't wait to meet them!

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our teen went to be with her siblings at the beginning of june. she's in a really great home with a wonderful foster family and it was good to see her reunited with her sister and brother.

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2 kids, 2 adults, 2 large dogs... i think i see a van in our future. not sure how i feel about that.

update

well, we found out yesterday that we go back to being a family of two tomorrow. such is foster care. wait, wait, wait then... it must happen now, this moment, no delays! in this case it's a good move. she's excited, we're happy and we all went out for dinner last night to celebrate.

in other news i'll be blogging about our trip to new zealand over here. at some point i'll probably end this blog and write only over there, but for now it's in the experimental stage. i like the control of running the blog myself, but right now i just keep breaking things :)

conversation with a coworker

via instant messenger:

him: congrats!
me: ??
him: you made our co ed dodgeball team cuts
me: clearly that was not a challenging review process
him: you don't have a y chromosome