is it possible

for the third time this year i will be in a position to review student portfolios. college seniors. seriously? i'm qualified for that now? oh yeah, college was... years ago. weird.

boxes

it is only when moving that i regret having a library's worth of books.

today

i am wearing the incredibly comfortable black heels i wore for the wedding. and it makes me feel like dancing.

clarifying

so mg reads the blog and he was very concerned this morning. "do you really think that's going to happen to our marriage?" to which i answered "no".

the previous post was a response to an ongoing discussion of marriage in today's culture. a culture that does not value marriage as a life-long commitment. does not see commitment as good. there are endless jokes about the stupidity of men, the silliness of women, the general unhappiness of people who are stuck married. by "what i fear" i didn't mean that is the direction i think our marriage is headed. but it is what i see in many marriages around us, and what i want to be sure to avoid.

i love our marriage, but i also know that life is (hopefully) long. at times it will be difficult. there will be pressures on our relationship that we can't predict. i don't think anyone sets out to have a complacent marriage, but i do think too often people aren't intentional about avoiding it. they wake up one day and wonder how they got where they're at. i don't want to be that person. i don't think i will.

meg does it again

there's a great discussion going on over at apracticalwedding on what it means to be a wife but not (yet) a mother. the question was raised "in your marriage, what do you fear"? here are my thoughts:

Someone mentioned that what they fear most is a complacent marriage. I think that word sums it up perfectly.

So what do I fear in our marriage? I fear falling so much into a routine we don't even realize we have one. I fear getting off work every day and coming home to this: He takes care of the dog, I take care of dinner. He does the dishes, I start the laundry. He turns on the tv, I grab the laptop.

There's nothing wrong with that routine in and of itself. It's practical. I love cooking. The dog obeys him way better than me. But I want to remain aware of what we do. I want to cook dinner because I enjoy trying new recipes, not because it's expected and an obligation. I want him to choose to wash the dishes out of love and a feeling of partnership, not assume he has to take care of them because that's the habit we've fallen into.

Now I cherish these little everyday things of life. Ways we partner together to take care of necessities, things we do together. But I fear letting those things become the big things. Mindlessly letting them run our lives. I want an intentional marriage. One that is brave, courageous, self aware. One where we challenge each other to do new things, even hard things, because in the end those are the things we will be proud of. I want a marriage that is anything but complacent.

now, go read the rest of the discussion. it's thought provoking to be sure.

caricature

the dress

is blogged over at apracticalwedding. if you are planning a wedding, or know anyone who is i would strongly recommend pointing them to this blog. meg and the community of amazing women who have gathered there are sane, thrifty and know how to have fun.

on dog doors

mg: we should push his crate up against the door,
at least in the beginning.
self: yeah.
mg: that way we can see if he's dragging stuff in.
self: *nods*
mg: like small children. and dinosaurs.
self: because those are the most likely options.

i search for "race car"

and the stock photo library gives me photos of canadian bluebirds. yeah... pretty sure something is broken here.

trying to get it together

i can never seem to remember everything on the same day. every morning this week i have managed to make and bring coffee but forgotten to grab my yogurt or fruit for breakfast. today i remembered to grab breakfast, but forgot to start the coffee so it would be ready in time.

at least i always have lunch packed. thanks to leftovers and a wonderful husband.

up

the movie. we went to see it with my brothers. at the dollar theater.

there's this moment when the main character (an elderly gentleman) is looking through his wife's scrapbook. he discovers that she considered their life together to be an adventure, even though it was only made up of small moments they shared.

i loved that. the idea that a marriage can be a grand adventure. even if you never leave home.

adjustments

to set the stage i should say... it was not the best of days. And i do not always handle such days with the grace that i would like.

i had left work early, on my first day back from vacation. the dog has been sick and made a mess that i did not have time to clean up. i got locked out of the house. i did not have directions to the place i was going and (being unable to enter my home) had to drive to my parents. all of this so i could go on an hour-long drive to visit an oral surgeon because the tumor he removed is back for the fifth time (or is it the 6th? i've lost count). anyway, not the best of days and i was not in the best of moods.

so finally i was on the interstate. as i merged off the entrance ramp into the flow of traffic i was reminded of a head-on collision that recently made the front of our local paper. neither driver lived. a young college student and a mother of three had each gone for a drive and never came home. i was suddenly acutely aware of the traffic around me. of the unpredictability of life.

i started to wonder what would happen if i never made it back from my drive. would mg be okay? what if 10 days of marriage was all we got? i felt an urgent need to call him and tell him how much i love him. just in case. to tell him it would be okay if i was gone. that god was in control. and that i trust him [god] and his plan for our life.

i started thinking about my day. the day that had not gone at all according to my plan. i realized that it was a beautiful fall day. the sun was shining. the wind was carrying leaves in graceful swirls around my vehicle. here i was, consumed with anxiousness and anger at the situation. i totally missed the fact that i had an hour with nothing to do but delight in the beauty around me. the fields ready for harvest, the burning bushes with their brilliant crimson foliage. i had been given an incredible gift.

and it was about that time that i had an epiphany.

there i was driving along 74, praising and thanking god for the beauty of his creation, for the unexpected gift of the solitary drive. when i realized i would never have had this time, this conversation with god, if it weren't for that tumor. and i found myself, in all sincerity, thanking god for the tumor. you see, i realized that if the only reason this has recurred over... and over... and over again was that i would have this drive and this conversation with god well, that in and of itself made it all worth it. and in some small way i now understand how people who have been through great suffering can not just survive it, not just praise god in spite of it, but actually thank him for it. it takes a different perspective, to see suffering as a gift. it is definitely not an attitude i come by naturally, but i hope god continues to grow it in me.

we are wed

and... we are blogged.

a promise

discipline has never been a strength of mine. spontaneity, yes. discipline, no.

in fact when mg and i went through our pre-marital counseling, that was the one "red flag" on our personality evaluation. mg is disciplined. he schedules things. he plans. and he never, ever forgets anything. me? i forget. this is why i have a notebook calendar. and google calendar. and text reminders sent to my phone thirty minutes before anything important is scheduled to occur. this is also my main ammunition for why i think mg should let me get an iphone. ("see?", i say, "it would be my notebook, and my calendar, and the little reminders, all in one place!") i think he's actually going to give in.

so we're total opposites in this area and even though we know this about each other, it has already caused some minor conflict. "stress points", if you will. like one evening last week when i hit the wall and announced in frustration that i cannot handle life when it's this structured. to which he responded, "okay then, we can plan to be more spontaneous. how about three days each week.?"

exactly.

anyway, that was all a long introduction to say that i haven't been very disciplined about writing on this blog. in my defense it began as a personal online journal of sorts. which i could write in at random, and no one ever bothered to read. but now, it is something else. a way to share thoughts on life with friends. friends whose blogs i enjoy reading. so i shouldn't neglect you so shamefully by not writing on mine. this is my pledge to do better, to be more disciplined. who knows... maybe it will trickle over into other areas of my life.

perspective

we had some down-time on a photo shoot yesterday and i was chatting with one of my coworkers while we waited for things to start again. he's getting married in november, so the conversation naturally turned to weddings. he started in on how expensive everything is, how hard it's been to keep the costs down, but how much they've been trying to. they're in the process of buying a home so saving on the wedding was important. i was agreeing whole-heartedly, saying we're in the same position, until he casually mentioned two things. 1: the amount of money they've ended up spending, 2: the fact that they are not able to get the house they wanted because of it.

now i understand everyone has different priorities, and some people just have more money to spend. i don't think one can set some magic number that everyone should try to spend on a wedding. but the closer we get to our wedding day (we're at 9 days! it's finally a single digit number :) the more i realize that it is just one day. it doesn't have to be the-most-wonderful-day-of-my-life, though i'm sure it will be amazing. i don't have to look the-most-beautiful-i-will-ever-be, though of course i will put some effort into my appearance. most importantly, it shouldn't be a day that negatively effects our plans for the future. it should be a day that prepares us for our future. together. surrounded by our families and the people we love.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, my conversation yesterday made me so grateful for all the decisions we've made this past year. for the wisdom that our parents have given us. for the ability to focus on the things that last. because as amazing as our wedding is going to be, our marriage and our life together is the real goal of the day. i never realized until yesterday how easily one could lose sight of that.

so, thank you. to our parents, to our pastor and the great counsel he's provided, and to everyone else who's helped us remain grounded as we've planned for this day. we're ready.

when being wrong, is right

you know those things you tell yourself? things like:
"i will never work for a certain insurance company"
"i will never stay in this town"
"i will never be a two-dress bride"

that last was one i was really certain of.

•

i have my wedding dress. (as you know) it was my mom's dress. we've put a lot of work into it and i love it. but as the wedding has gotten closer, i've started to worry. the material is very fragile. the (wonderful, twirly) skirt is made entirely of fine netting and already has several small tears in it. all it would take is one step on the hem for the dress to become unwearable.
everyone knows i'm a klutz, so there was nothing to do but sadly agree with mg that i should probably avoid much dancing.

then, last week over at apracticalwedding meg announced that a member of team practical has once again generously offered to give away her dress. a dress which was exactly my size, length, our colors...

so now i am officially to be a two-dress bride. i will have my wedding dress and i will have my party dress. one to wear while saying our vows, the dress that was there when my parent's said theirs. and one to dance the night away in, the dress that was there when leah and omid celebrated their joyous anti-wedding, wedding.

i have never been so happy to eat my words.

distraction

you know when you start something, and all of a sudden you realize it's dark out? and you have no idea where the time as gone?

earlier this morning i was introduced to theflashdance... and I just spent the better part of 2 hours exploring over there. music! photos! more music! video!

if you love seeing real weddings, with real people, who are enjoying themselves and having a great time, you should go lose some time there too.

30

we are officially one month from the wedding. for all those who are wondering... nope the dress is not done. if i look a little low on sleep lately well, now you know why.

•

after a month of taking shots with no way to get them off my camera... i now have my card reader back. prepare for an onslaught of photos.

time to breathe

signs that normalcy is returning to our lives:

• i packed lunch every day this week
• i've slept at least 5 hours every night this week
• remy, once again, has a morning routine
• we went climbing last night
• italics has a new home
• mg has a new home
• we're going climbing tonight
• i already have groceries bought and dinner planned
• the car is not hovering barely above "e"
• i have more clean laundry than dirty

of course, what is normal? i'm leaving tomorrow morning for a two day work trip to chicago, friday is officially 6 weeks from the wedding, and i've just agreed to work up a t-shirt design for a local ultimate team.

here's to the chaos that is daily life.

discovery

last night remy found a large cricket. he was fascinated, curious, and afraid all at once. i wish i'd had a camera to capture his reaction the first time it jumped. there's just nothing quite like watching a 65 pound dog leap away from a bitty black bug.