i need a therapist

today a dear friend of mine got to adopt her precious daughter. a little girl whose biological parents are tragically unable and unequipped to care for her. a little girl who spent 1,156 days in foster care. a little girl who deserved permanence long before it happened and who now, finally, has the family she deserves.

and i am happy. so unbelievably filled with joy and gladness that this day has finally arrived. but i am shocked to find that i am also angry. and bitter. earlier today i was blindsided by these overwhelmingly strong emotions that i was not prepared to feel. that i don't know what to do with.

i am angry, not that she has finally achieved a forever home, but that the children in our care (children who have been waiting 1,180+ days) are no where near permanency of any kind. i am bitter, not that the court has granted her a forever home, but that another court has watched the children in our care pass through 5 homes and remains unwilling to act. mostly i am saddened, as i see the healing that is taking place in her life, that these children i love and care for may never experience that healing... and that even if they get a chance to, by the time it happens it may be too late to reverse the damage.

these are ugly feelings. jealous feelings. i hate myself for having them... and yet here they are. this is a new part of this foster care journey for me. one of the ugly, unexpected parts that no one prepares you for. i need a therapist, but i have to remind myself that i have someone better. wiser. someone who is totally in control. i am choosing to believe today in a god who is bigger than the court's decisions. a god who is bigger than the ongoing trauma these kids experience. a god who offers grace and forgiveness... which my own heart desperately needs. and, most importantly, a god who is in the business of redemption, as evidenced by the beautiful events of today.

so in short.. despite my own issues... despite the broken world we live in... today is a reminder that there is hope.