parenting

we are over a month into this new life, and already it feels longer than our last placement.

odd, because she was with us twice as long as they have been so far. i think in many ways this feels longer because it is more permanent. there is no set end-date like there always was with our teen. also, it is hard to over-stress the differences in parenting a teen vs a toddler (i know, obvious!) but the toddlers have simply taken over our lives and integrated into every facet of it in a way the teen never wanted to. this is both harder and easier.

harder, because their needs (and our desire to do what's best for them) have caused a total upheaval in our routines. our daily life now looks completely different then it did before. we've given up some things, gained others, and all with very little notice or preparation.

easier, because in many ways we feel so much more like a family. to be brutally honest the acceptance and reaction of the people around our life has made all the difference here. i guess it's not surprising that people find it easier to interact with and enjoy a three year old than a thirteen year old, but we have had so much more support, encouragement, and involvement with these kids in four weeks than we did with her in the entire eight+. people want to meet them, get to know them, are excited about them.

for the most part people either ignored our teen or expressed how sorry they were for us when she was out of earshot. this makes me sad, but i understand. small children are cute, and people expect a couple our age to have tiny ones show up (even if ours weren't quite as tiny when they arrived as most). teens are rather difficult, some moments more than others, and the people that make up the extended network of our life just didn't know how to handle having one suddenly show up as part of our family. it was a good learning lesson for us on the importance of making kids in foster care feel at home in every environment, and helped us understand our world and the people we interact with a little better.

being a foster parent

Sometimes foster parenting is the look of joy on a little boy's face when he realizes that you actually came back for him like you said you would.

Other times it is looking a little girl in the eye after she fiercely declares "i don't want you!" and saying "well i want you" and getting surprised by her sudden hug.

But mostly right now it is hearing a two year old scream for mommy, knowing this time she means you, and knowing that being mommy means instead of rushing in to comfort her, you sit outside her door in the dark and quietly cry with her.

we have this conversation at least once a day

me: oh look, what is this one?
her: a cow!
me: this one's pink, it's a pig.
me: what do pigs say?
her: moo!

a new adventure

our little family is doubling in size. maybe today, maybe tomorrow, we're not sure of the timing yet but i'm excited, and terrified! somewhere in town are a two year old girl and three year old boy who will be joining our family for an indefinite period of time.

we don't know their names, or what they look like, and i can't wait to meet them!

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our teen went to be with her siblings at the beginning of june. she's in a really great home with a wonderful foster family and it was good to see her reunited with her sister and brother.

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2 kids, 2 adults, 2 large dogs... i think i see a van in our future. not sure how i feel about that.

update

well, we found out yesterday that we go back to being a family of two tomorrow. such is foster care. wait, wait, wait then... it must happen now, this moment, no delays! in this case it's a good move. she's excited, we're happy and we all went out for dinner last night to celebrate.

in other news i'll be blogging about our trip to new zealand over here. at some point i'll probably end this blog and write only over there, but for now it's in the experimental stage. i like the control of running the blog myself, but right now i just keep breaking things :)

conversation with a coworker

via instant messenger:

him: congrats!
me: ??
him: you made our co ed dodgeball team cuts
me: clearly that was not a challenging review process
him: you don't have a y chromosome

saying no. saying yes.

saying no is hard. i often struggle with over-committing because i don't want to say no, i don't want to let people down. nothing, however, compares to how hard it is to say 'no' to giving a child a home. i know we have to... that they aren't the right fit for our family... that we can't meet their needs. but that never makes it easy

•

today we got a call asking if we could take a young boy. one who has adhd. and displays a lot of aggression. one who has a habit of setting fires.

we said no.

it was not the first time we said no to taking in a child, and it won't be the last. i do not regret saying no. no part of me thinks we could provide adequately for him or make him a lasting part of our family. he needs help we can't provide, care we can't give. but it did make me wonder... who will say yes to a seven-year-old arsonist with anger issues? what kind of a future does he have? i pray it is one with the right mix of counselling, therapy and prayer. that he's in a safe, controlled environment that is also filled with love.

the sad truth is he probably isn't. i wish there were more people willing to love the hurt kids in our own communities. more resources available to those who try. more loving homes willing to take in hurt and damaged kids before they become really broken kids. is it hard? yes. it is inconvenient. it is stressful. it is very messy. but our homes and our families are the church. if we aren't the kind of family who can say yes, what kind of person does?

humbled

nothing teaches you more about yourself than marriage and parenting! we're growing, not always an enjoyable process, but a good one.

our teen found out last night that she will not be going home. ever. we've known this news would likely be coming for the past couple of weeks so in a way it is almost a relief to have it decided for sure. now we can move forward with working to get her into a less temporary placement, and hopefully once the grief & anger are dealt with things will get easier for her. at least the anxiety over not knowing is gone.

i am humbled and amazed by her resilience. at times i am tempted to be disappointed in her behavior or frustrated by what she doesn't know. then i think about how much her life has changed. it would be the equivalent of me losing my house, pets, husband, friends, church, all contact with family, and starting a new job where I knew no one... overnight. i don't know any adults who could weather that kind of change and continue to function normally. but she gets up every morning, goes to a strange school full of new people, comes home to a strange house where nothing is familiar... and continues to adjust without ever getting the chance to relax in a setting where she knows the routine and what to expect. my heart breaks for her and i wish i knew how to love her better.

limits

last night i hit a wall with this parenting gig. i am so tired and overwhelmed and was beginning to feel resentful. so thankful for my geek and the fact that we're in this together. late night talks and prayer are getting us through!

the tattoo

so, over a year later... here are photos of my tattoo. i love it! while the design and placement are mine, all credit for the amazing artwork goes to david allen. if you are looking to get a tattoo, he's worth the trip to chicago. you can get deep dish and visit the art institute while you're there.

fostering

last night, a thirteen year old young lady moved in with us. she is currently grieving, angry, and feeling very alone. this should be a temporary thing. we hope to be able to reunite her with some of her family very soon. but... the original two day stay was almost immediately extended to two weeks. so we shall wait and see. i go to enroll her in school tomorrow, we went out and bought her clothing essentials last night. we are all trying to figure each other out and she is on her best behavior. the dogs so far have proven a blessing. she enjoys them, and they are a welcome distraction. if i'm honest, we probably wouldn't have said "yes" to thirteen if it wasn't for only two days. and now it's not. so we're taking it a day at a time. and praying.

updates on life

i started a new job this week, after 5+ years in my last one i was ready for a change. i'm still with the same company, but a different department, so new coworkers, new desk, new floor. i think i'm really going to like it here. the change was a huge answer to prayer and i'm excited to see where it leads.

other random updates:

kids - everyone is having them. we are not. yet. i'll keep you posted when that changes. in related news, my seven-month-old niece = most amazing thing in my life right now. she's adorable and so clever, and has awesome parents who don't let me babysit enough. (seriously, why do grandmother's have all the rights here?)

church - we're joining/helping form a new neighborhood community that i'm really excited about. most of my experience with churches has been either so close-knit it creates a christian social bubble, or so disconnected you only see each other on sundays or at special church functions. we've been going to charis for several years now, and i love the balance our christian community achieves and the level of involvement we strive for in each other's lives, and in our larger community. i'm excited to help plant a part of that so close to home :)

school - yep, still here. not leaving anytime soon. thank you, i do realize everyone i started with is graduated/graduating.

body art - i got a tattoo. i love it. my parents hate it. my employer doesn't care.

the major basement overhaul - it's been said that my geek and i won't know what to do when we finally don't have some major project going on. i think we'll start by getting a lot more rest. the basement overhaul started in september and the framing stage is now one weekend from being complete. mg has taken the bulk of that task but i think we're both totally sick of it at this point. so much so, in fact, that electrical work is already started, just to get a break from all the 2x4s. still a long way to go until we're done. fortunately, we're now hitting the point where we've agreed from the beginning to hire professionals (for example: i don't trust myself to install plumbing) things should move a little quicker once they get involved. what's the big hurry? a) we're tired of spending our free moments down there and b) mg is turning 30 in may. we'd really like to be able to use the space to entertain for that momentous occasion, but it's coming up fast :) and to be completely honest, i'm really looking forward to not having my house in a constant state of chaos. of course, as soon as we finish i really need to paint the main level, tile the walls of the hall bath, install some storage cubbies in the hallway... home ownership is both a joy/blessing and a pain/curse.

we continue to climb (when we can), and just generally try to stay as active as possible. the dogs continue to be their usual mix of crazy and adorable. we're thinking they're due for an obedience refresher course this spring. overall, life is going well.



PS - i've decided not to apologize for (once again) the long break in posts. i do this blog in addition to many other things. i love reading blog updates from people i care for and live far from, and hope you enjoy reading mine, but life requires balance, and sometimes... taking the time to post on my blog doesn't contribute to that for me.

pause

our truck is in need of some minor repair, and the only time the shop could get it in was 7am on a saturday morning. so here i am, sitting next door at a local coffee shop, watching the sun rise and catching up on email. i have to admit it's kind of nice to be forced to slow down.

typically right now i'd be sleeping in... then getting up to scurry around the house and clean, do laundry, make a list for errands. instead i am sitting still, wide awake, drinking an excellent cup of coffee with nothing pressing to do... and nowhere to be until the shop calls to say my vehicle can return to the road. it's moments like this that make it easier to see the "big picture", and realize how incredibly blessed my life is.

now, off goes the computer... i'm going to spend some cherished moments actually reading a book.

cultural differences

here's a story that's been sitting in the drafts folder for a while:

one night while working late at the office, a member of the cleaning crew was working his way past my cube. seeing that my desk was occupied he stopped to chat - and, i'm guessing, take the opportunity to work on his conversational english.

he focused mainly on the photos of my family and friends and began to query me on them, quickly learning that i had family close by and had been married for about a year. he then narrowed in on an image of me holding a baby.

"yours?"

"no", i quickly assured him - "it's a friend's baby."

this was apparently a phrase he was not familiar with so after several failed attempts to explain the relationship i landed on "nephew", which he understood.

"you have no children?"

"no children" i responded with a smile

"married, one year?"

"yes"

there was a lengthy pause and then he shook his head, looked me in the eye and very emphatically stated "one year, one baby".

as he gathered up his supplies and solemnly walked off i got the impression i had just greatly disappointed his view of how the world should be.

as an update to this story, i periodically run into this gentleman as i am leaving for the day. he never greets me with words, but simply begins shaking his head. apparently my married-yet-childless state left a permanent impression.

lady of shalott

i recently stumbled across this video, and it reminded me of a certain iconic scene from the anne of green gables/avonlea films of the late 80s. turns out my geek had never seen them. so, we borrowed the old vhs tapes from my parents (along with their vcr) and watched through them in 5 sittings over the course of a week.

its important to note here that our forays back into childhood favorites have not always proven successful. (murder by death = worst. movie. ever.) and the anne stories are not exactly typical "guy" fare… so for most of the film i was watching my geek's reactions almost as much as the movie itself. at times he appeared to be genuinely interested in the story - other times, not so much. by the end of the saga i was still unsure if he really appreciated it. cue the closing romantic bridge scene:

anne: "i don't want sunbursts or marble halls… i just want you."

music soars.

credits roll.

geek, frustrated: "he should shove her off the bridge now."

"guess he didn't like it much after all," i think

me: "yeah well, mom always said anne should have married morgan."

geek, passionately: "oh, I would have been seriously pissed off if it had ended that way!"

success :)

hippos

as you may already know, i am close to completing my first year of grad school. in addition to still working full time. so much for slowing down!

it's been an exhausting, but very positive experience, and i'm incredibly grateful to the school of art at isu for being so flexible in allowing me to pursue this part-time. (and huge kudos to my geek for picking up the slack at home when i'm at class or stressed out over homework)

last night i wrapped up a little foray into writing object-oriented java applications. it was a great learning experience... and the result is kinda fun so i thought i'd share:
Hungry Hippos

note: there is quite the back story to this project involving myself, my geek, and a certain stuffed hippo named Marten.

yards are a lot of work

when we moved into our current home a year and a half ago, it was entirely surrounded by mud.
as you can imagine:

new house + dogs + mud = fail

by the time the weather warmed, we were determined to remedy the problem. of course it turned out to be a much bigger undertaking than either of us anticipated, and ended up taking almost all our free time last summer. it's paid off though, and this year our yard looks... well, like a yard.

we've been looking forward to actually getting to relax outside this year, but there was one final piece to the project that needed to get done. when we put in the fence last summer, we discovered that the grade of the lot away from the house prevented our front gate from opening fully and since our lot is long and narrow there's really no other place to put the gate. we've been putting off dealing with it, but knew we'd need to address the problem at some point this summer. since we're leaving on a trip soon and we're free this weekend we decided it was time to just get it done.

so yesterday i left work at noon and drove out to the landscaping company my brother-in-law works at to select materials. my geek left around the same time and made the always-necessary trip multiple visits to the hardware store for the remaining bits and pieces and ... late in the afternoon the three of us converged on the gate.

as projects go it wasn't too bad. (this may or may not have been because the guys did most of the digging/dirt hauling) and now that it's done we can breathe a sigh of relief and declare our yard project(s) complete.

... at least for this season.


our recently added finishing touch.





the pups have their own door into a dog run area. i'm so glad we did this! it's come in handy so many times that they have a separate yard space.

man vs. nature

reinforcing the fact that i can also be geeky… i found this article to be a fascinating read. i blame my interest in such non-typically-entertaining things on home schooling :)

drool

the pups have constant access to our downstairs bathroom, and after weeks of coming home to wet, mushy tp we surrendered and relocated the paper to the top vanity drawer.

i occasionally forget to explain this to guests and after several people "helpfully" replaced the roll i decided it was time to hang a note from the tp holder.

this is what i've come up with (appropriating christopher berry's lovely sketch). i plan to print it at 4x6 and use ribbon to hang it in a narrow frame. i'll post a photo of the final result.

family